My son's first question

A big moment for my autistic child and his mama

We had a big moment today. My son who is autistic, verbally-delayed and has a speech disorder, asked me a question for the first time.

This.

Is.

HUGE.

Every parent of a typically developing child knows they go through a developmental phase where they ask a million questions a million times a day. This is because they are trying to make sense of their world. My son is six, and he has never been able to do this. The parenting experts always say to answer the big life questions in an age appropriate way. My son hasn’t been able to ask questions. He struggles with anxiety. He is bright and curious and I know he must have them. The world doesn’t make sense to him. I do my best to attune and guess what he might be grappling with. It’s really hard and heavy AF.

Today, we were playing a little game where he likes when I get dramatic and pretend to be sad. Usually he responds by also pretending to be sad, and we end up giggling. To be honest, I’ve been feeling depressed lately, and so when pretending to be sad, I felt the tears welling up for real, and I decided to let them out. I was still playing along but the tears were real. He came right up to me, got face to face, looked into my eyes and with what felt like genuine concern said, “Are you okay?”

This is the first question he has ever asked.

Much of life with autism feels very heavy. And dark. But there is so much beauty. Everything feels more expansive. The hard is heavier. But the good is also so much brighter.

October 23rd, 2024

The day my six year old son asked a question for the first time. He asked his crying mother if she was okay.

The moment was drenched in beauty.

I soak it up.

It fills my very dry well a little bit, and we keep on going, together. This precious soul, tethered to my own.

Note: This post was originally shared and well-received on my private Facebook page, just a few days before writing my first Substack, I thought I’d share it again here.